Quills Will Be The Death Of The Glittering Ones
by DaGeekGoddesses
Summary: A complete mockery of the twilight universe, complete with magical hedgehogs - Moonray


It was like any other normal summer afternoon, except for the fact that it really wasn't. Sure, the sun was shining, the trees making trepid movements in the wind. The sun shone off of Bella's alabaster skin, cold as it was, sparkling like the 8 others standing with her. They stood contiguous;shoulder to shoulder outside the magnificent house she had been able to call her own ever since that unfortunate accident at the cottage (Needless to say, there was a reason none of the other Cullens would go near there). The water of the river was as still as the undead that stood before it, reflecting the blinding sparkle that shone from the vampires.

They all wore looks of doleful anger as they stood there, as they stared across the clear water into the dark but mottled forest. They could sense movement in it, like a giant furry beast with prominent abs was hiding behind the tree closest to them- or at least Bella thought so. Edward did too, letting out a low apoplectic growl. Animalistic - Bella loved it.

They stood there in still silence for another eighth of a second, long enough for Edward's growl to dissipate into nothing more than a faint buzzing in the back of Bella's mind. It wasn't until the large furry creature that had been hiding in the woods leapt out from behind it's shaded hiding place did anyone move. Edward's growl was back and louder than ever as the not-so-mysterious creature leapt across that crystalline river. He scooped Renesmee into his arms in a forty- sixth of a second, those amber eyes of his gleaming with something other than sparkles.

"What are you doing here?" Edward grunted, eyes still glaring at the wolf that stood in front of them- except there wasn't a wolf anymore. A man now stood in front of them, tan and ripped. He also happened to be holding a strategically placed leaf in front of his legs, big enough to cover his dignity but not much else.

"Nice to see you too, sparkles" The man replied, a good-natured smile dancing across his lips, Bella studying his abs with perusal as he let out a low chuckle. He stared back at Edward as he said so, or at least the small pale figure curled up in his arms.

"Would it hurt you to put on some clothes for once, Jacob? Renesmee doesn't need to see that, ever, and I sure don't want to see it either."

"You're no fun! And it' not like I can put on clothes when I'm in wolf form, and I can't put any on 'till after transforming. so yes, It would hurt me to put some on. Besides, shirts are a discomfiture." At this time Bella was finishing her perusal of Jacobs body and grinned lethargically. (Although she was always very emotionless).

"I agree. Shirts on Jacob cause much discomfiture." Jacob smiled animalistically and Edward bared his fangs.  
"So I guess you don't smell that pungent odor coming off him, do you?" Edward sneered.  
"What? you mean my amazing Wolverine man clogan?" Whipping out a can from who knows where.  
"Umm Jacob you do know that company is full of feigned ads right? It wasn't tested and the wearer gets massive odious."  
"Oops."

Later that night as Bella sat with Renesmee in the comfort of their many amenities and Jacob and Edward tried to make reparations to their relationship (it wasn't going well and many glasses were shattered) Renesmee asked a capricious question.  
"Why are Jacob's abs so obtrusive yet so beautiful?" she said dreamily.  
"All part of my ascent to take over the world nessie," he said mollified.  
"If Jacob's ruling the world I have a despondent hope in the world," Edward said, "what do you think Bella?"  
"What?" She asked looking up from her magazine.  
"You never listen do you Bella? You just sit there like a stone."  
Jacob laughed, "Bella Swan, more facial expression than Kristen Stewart."  
"Who's that?"  
"The girl that plays the very uncogent teenager that falls in love with a maudlin Vampire."  
"I love Jack the Werewolf. He alleviated the movie," said Jacob  
"I'll agree with you on that Wolf boy," said Edward, Avariciously drinking the blood wine he had.  
"That's the first thing you guys have ever not had discourse on," Bella said  
"And that they both have an affinity towards you." Renesmee, who had been very latent, piped up. Edward's eyes suddenly held a very pernicious look in them. Then the two were at it. fangs, claws and swear words scratching up the floor in a frenzy of fur and sparkles.  
"I think it's time you go to bed, 'nesmee," Bella said.  
"Sure," Renesmee acquiesced.

After a very unmagnanimous night the Cullens and Jacob finally were able to go to sleep around midnight. Well, Jacob and Renesmee did, sleeping like the dead. Jacob was curled on the couch, in wolf form to keep himself warm (the cullens didn't keep many blankets around their house).The eerie silence only lasted for only 2 hours, and that was when everything went O.W.A.C.A (organization without a cool acronym) started their abject plans. The bombs were in place, magic wards hiding the miscreants hideout. every villain in the room wearing black robes, and awaiting the orders from their leader.  
"Got your nose. Oh wait you don't have a nose!" Kronos laughed at Voldemort with derision.  
"At least I'm not stuck in a morose teenage boy," he shot back.  
"Hey! Luke happens to be a very nice person to posture in."  
"Can we all just get along so we can destroy the glittering ones?" President Snow whined.  
"Shut up old man," they said in unison. As if on cue, the room suddenly began to darken, a tornado of smoke encasing the pedestal rising from the ground.  
"My fellow villains! You have all been so obsequious to me. You show no contrition and now you will get the meritorious victory you so wish for. The smoke slowly, but surely dissipated to reveal the villains' leader, Keith the evil wizard hedgehog.  
"Hey Keith!"  
"I told you you must call me great one!" No one answered to this statement, all of the minions just muttering to each other in lethargic repugnance. Keith didn't seem too satisfied with this answer, this time clearing his throat before repeating himself.  
"I said, call me Great One!" His voice was a thunderous, pernicious noise, sharp like knives and deadly like Edward when his favorite contestant gets voted off The Voice. The minions stopped their murmuring instantly, the Cullens standing there slack-jawed in disbelief. Who knew a sound so abject could come out of something so small.  
"Now," Keith continued, blind to the shocked faces of the Cullens, "Back to business. You see, in order to gain complete world dominance, we need to be the most powerful beings on earth. You effervescent ones with your impermeable skin and unique powers are a threat to us, so naturally you must be destroyed. And frankly, we don't like how you mock the Dark lord with your lack of color." At this, Jacob let out a barely audible snicker, he smirk on his face ascending in magnitude with every passing millisecond.  
"And what makes you think you'll be able to?" said Carlisle cooly. His demeanor was calm, but he was obviously bothered by the threatening discourse being exchanged in the room.  
Kronos let out a small chuckle, his stone - hard gaze boring holes into the wall opposite him. "That's what those demigods said before we sent them on their one-way trip down to Hades."  
he continued to stare at the vampires with vehemence. "So let's see what you fairies are made of."  
With these words, the entirety of the enemy army advanced with blinding speed, quills bared and malice in their eyes. Every one of the Cullens and Jacob were caught in combat across the endless room that served as their battlefield. Hedgehogs were everywhere, hissing and clawing at their enemies like cute little bundles of terror. The Cullens were outnumbered 200 to 10, yet their fighting spirit stayed with them as they slowly began to fall. Rosalie was first to go, crumbling into a heap on the cold marble tile, followed shortly after by Emmet and Esme. There was no blood, only fire. The remaining vampires watched a their home and loved ones were consumed by the rapidly ascending flames, the one substance that was surefire to kill them. Jasper was next to crumble, pushed into the flames by an armada of little demon hedgehogs. The fire was closing around those remaining as well as the hedgehogs, until they were all standing back to back in a circle no bigger than a piano. Alice attempted to make a run for it, burned before she could see the moonlight one last time.

Edward soon found himself in hand-to-hand combat with Lord Voldemort, all weapons set aside in favor of brute force. But even without his wand, Edward stood no chance. Voldemort had him in a headlock, his wand now out and pressed against the vampire's forehead.

"Any last words, demon?" The Dark lord whispered, humor apparent in his barely-audible voice.  
"Save...Her!'' Edward managed to get out, his hand pointing somewhere in the vicinity of Jacob and Renesmee.  
"What a little hero you are, Cedric. If only that Potter boy was here to save you now."  
Edward had time to let out a confused gasp before being thrown into the flame, the sizzling sound ringing through the house.  
Bella was crouched on the floor, hedgehogs all around her overpowering her magical shield. She gazed into the flames after Edward, muttering his name under her breath, her face still void of any expression. The hedgehogs pushed her closer and closer the the flame with every passing second, inching her closer and closer to her doom. She was mere inches away from the wall of flames when she turned to face Jacob, a look of almost sadness in her eyes as she spoke her final words.  
"Go. Save her." her voice cracked, breaking it's usual monotone. "I cannot do anymore, I must be with Edward." She shot them a final emotionless glance before turning to the fire and falling into it. jacob stood there for a moment, only a moment, before scooping Renesmee into his arms, bolting out of there as he transformed back into a wolf. He kept running for what seemed like days, until the distant sound of burning embers faded into the darkness. And he kept running, leaving his only home behind as his silhouette faded into the night sky as he ran.

To be continued...maybe...


End file.
